The Book of Genesis, Chapter 20

Genesis 20:1-18

Summary

Abraham travels toward Negeb, settling between two places called Kadesh and Shur. Clearly not learning from the Egypt fiasco, he tells some other strangers that his wife is his sister, and yet another king takes his wife away. God manages to restrain himself from the plagues this time, and instead prevents the king from having his way with Sarah, and tells the king in a dream that this is uncool. The king, named Abimelech, wakes up in the morning, gives another good "Dude, what the hell?" to Abraham, and offers Abraham some land, some slaves, and some sheep and oxen. Abraham gets a good deal, considering.

Commentary

Okay. I know that Abraham has some decent reasons for not telling people his wife is his wife. Mostly to do with saving his own skin. He actually says it straight up: "Abraham said, ‘I did it because I thought, There is no fear of God at all in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife." (Gen 20:11) I get it. I'd probably be worried too!

And yet. And yet I'm reminded of the last time he did this. A mere 8 chapters ago, back in Chapter 12, Abraham (then Abram) presents the same lie to the King of Egypt, and the King of Egypt takes Sarah (then Sarai) for his wife, and hilarity ensued. Okay, I'm lying: plagues ensued. Plagues ensued because God was angry, and that's apparently what happens when God is angry. I'm not quite sure why God hasn't managed to be angry at Abraham for this, but it probably has to do with Abraham being afraid for his life. All this aside, Abraham hasn't quite learned his lesson from the last lie, and tries it again.

This time, things are a little different. No plagues, at least. God comes to King Abimelech in a dream, and says "Now you've gone and done it, fool!" .. actually it's more along the lines of: "You are about to die because of the woman whom you have taken; for she is a married woman." (Gen 20:3) Abimelech has the understandable reaction of, "Saywhatnow?", or more accurately: "Lord, will you destroy an innocent people? Did he not himself say to me, 'She is my sister'? And she herself said, 'He is my brother.' I did this in the integrity of my heart and the innocence of my hands." (Gen 20:4-5) God proceeds to acknowledge that he knew the king was clueless, and so prevented the king from doing this heinous deed, but he makes sure to make his warning clear, and threatens to send him to the special hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theatre. Sorry, wrong 'verse. God says, "Now then, return the man’s wife; for he is a prophet, and he will pray for you and you shall live. But if you do not restore her, know that you shall surely die, you and all that are yours." (Gen 20:7)

So, Abimelech gets up in the morning, and tells everybody what's up, and everybody's afraid of the Lord's wrath. He calls Abraham in and says, in his best Pharaoh impersonation, "Dude! What the hell!" Abraham says he feared for his life, and adds, "Besides, she is indeed my sister, the daughter of my father but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife." (Gen 20:12) Bit of a shocker there, but in its context this may not have been quite so shocking. Abimelech is somewhat touched by this (but probably acting more on God's earlier comment that treating Abraham well would be good because Abraham is a prophet), and gives Abraham a whole ton of stuff, including farm animals, land, slaves and money.

"Then Abraham prayed to God; and God healed Abimelech, and also healed his wife and female slaves so that they bore children. For the Lord had closed fast all the wombs of the house of Abimelech because of Sarah, Abraham’s wife." (Gen 20:17-18)

 That little bit kind of makes me chuckle. It's a very non-chalant sort of "Oh, and then God undid all the stuff God did to Abimelech because of Abraham's little lie." Sorry dude. My bad.

One of the things that I find fascinating about this (beyond the whole "God is Abraham's wingman" thing), is that this is very, very similar to an earlier story, as I commented earlier. I was talking to my Dad about this, and he suggested something which hadn't come to my mind, but probably should've. He suggested that it's very possible that these are two tellings which come from the same parent-story. Sure, details here and there are changed; the identity of the rulers are different, and God's reactions are somewhat different, but the basic plot of, "Abraham tells a ruler that his wife is his sister, the ruler believes Abraham, and wackiness ensues (or plagues)," is maintained. There's been previous discussion of the multiple authors hypothesis in earlier chapters, and I think it's very plausible that this is an alternate telling of the previous story.

Some interesting stuff going on, but ultimately this chapter feels a little bit like the Bible is already going into syndication. In the next chapter! Something new happens. I hope.

The Book of Genesis, Chapter 19

Genesis 19:1-38

Summary

A couple angels go to visit Sodom, where, as the name suggests, things are getting a bit kinky. Lot encourages the guests to stay at his house, and serves them with the proper hospitality, when some folks come a-knocking, interested only in the new fellas, and not a whit in Lot's daughters, who he offers up for their, uh, enjoyment. The angels tell Lot to flee, because God's a bit ticked about how messed up this place has become and intends to destroy it, so they run, and they're not supposed to look back, but Lot's wife does and BAM; pillar of salt. Then in his fear, Lot locks his daughters and himself into a cave, and his practical daughters decide if he won't let any boys come make them babies, they'll have to get him drunk and make babies with him. Phew. Is this the bible or a Jerry Bruckheimer movie?

Commentary

I'm not even sure where to start. This chapter has all the makings of a summer blockbuster movie. Lots of sex, violence, daring escapes, cities being destroyed; It'd be the only bible movie with an Unrated DVD with all the good parts left in.

Say what you like about Lot, but he's pretty dutiful to God and the angels, at the very least. He bows with his head to the ground when he first sees them (Gen 19:1), and insists very strongly that the angels enjoy his hospitality, even when the angels were happy to stay elsewhere (Gen 19:2-3). Shortly thereafter, though, the men of Sodom arrive. All of them (Gen 19:4). They demand that Lot bring out the new boys in town, saying: "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, so that we may know them." (Gen 19:5).

Kinky. If you're not aware, in this context, to "know" someone means to have sex with them. I've heard people describe the depravity of Sodom as being gay sex (Sodomites, sodomy... possibly some rum, and a lash as well), what distresses me here is the clearly impending gang-rape. I can't personally think of the gay sex as being a worse crime than the gang-rape, but somehow Lot does, and he offers his daughters in the angels' place. He says:

 "Look, I have two daughters, who have not known a man; let me bring them out to you, and do them as you please; only do nothing to these men, for they have come under the shelter of my roof." (Gen 19:8)

What the [censored]?!  I... what? Man. Okay, so, hospitality, as I said in the last post, is extremely important to the culture, but I seriously can't wrap my head around giving my daughters to a mob to protect the angels; surely there'd be a better answer, right? Well, first things first, we need our daring escape. The angels grab Lot, haul him back inside, and then strike all the men outside blind so they can't find the door.

Just a sec, I need some popcorn.

Right, so the angels tell Lot to get anybody who is close to him and take them out of the city. He talks to his future sons-in-law, and tries to convince them to leave, but just like all the government in The Day After Tomorrow, nobody listens. When dawn comes, the angels tell him to leave again, but he hesitates, so they grab him and forcefully take him to the outside of the city, 'cause the Lord really cares, apparently. With all the blind men wandering around, I have to wonder if this was like the egress from the mall in Dawn of the Dead.

Lot quibbles a bit about where he needs to run to, and the angels decide to spare one little city nearby for his sake, because he's too afraid to go hide in the hills, or something like that. I bet the angels were a bit frustrated with him at this point; I probably would have been. Dude! We are going to destroy your city, would you freakin' run already?!

Funny thing, the angels tell everybody, just before they take off, "Don't look back, or you'll be consumed," because the energy of God's destruction is totally badass, and we need a scene with intense music where people are trying not to look, or something like that. Cue the fire and brimstone, cue the vast destruction, and I do mean vast, the cities, the plain, all the inhabitants of the cities, and even all that grows on the ground was "overthrown," which I think in this case means burnt to a crisp. Now cue Lot's wife taking a peek. Now cue pillar of salt.

I'd always thought this was some kind of punishment, for failing to heed the warning, but it's entirely possible it just had to do with the energies involved. I won't pretend to understand the thermonuclear dynamics of God. It's also a reference to the story of Orpheus, who goes into the underworld to retrieve his wife, and when he leaves, he's told that if he looks back, he'll lose her.. she stumbles, and he turns, and she's lost. At least this story involves crazy fire and violence and God's power to explain why looking back is bad; in Orpheus' story, it's just Hades being a bit of a prick.

At the end of it all, Lot finally looks over the land he left, and it's just a smoking hole. The entire plain. I don't know how big this plain would have been, but that's definitely up there on the level of nuclear destruction, I think. Oppenheimer said that the detonation of the first nuclear bomb brought to mind Hindu scripture, which said, "I am become death, destroyer of worlds," but I much prefer the words of one of the other test directors. In response to seeing the first ever atomic blast, he said, "Now we are all sons of bitches." I can't help but wonder if any city, any plain, no matter how depraved, deserves such an end.

This is a long post, and I'm sorry, but we've got a little more sex to get through first. So, after having made such a big deal to the angels about how he didn't want to go hide in the hills, having seen the destructive power of the Lord, Lot is afraid, and decides to go hide in the hills. After having seen their home and their fiancés destroyed, Lot's daughters minds are on more, uh, practical matters. The dating prospects of living in a cave in the hills are not particularly good. "Our father is old, and there is not a man on earth to come in to us after the manner of all the world," says the eldest (Gen 19:31).

How do the ladies decide to fix this problem? Simple. The eldest gives us the answer: "Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, so that we may preserve offspring through our father." (Gen 19:32). Right, so nobody's going come out here, lets get Dad drunk, and.. wait, what? Lets use our Dad to make babies while he's drunk? Yeesh, ladies, use your head. Get him drunk and convince him to move where there are men you're not related to! But it's not necessary, because nothing bad could possibly come out of incestuous date-rape, right? ...right?

...right?